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Little Boy Wears Awesome Shoes, Adults Freak the Fuck Out ← Alex Acks: Sound and Nerdery

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and famosas tetonas was written as a letter to myself as a boy trying to survive the abuse I experienced. I think it simultaneously tells two stories: So, please, just shut the fuck up. You know how to do that- I taught you a long time ago. Remember what I said?

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Focus on the television in the corner or that poster of Farrah Fawcett above his bed or look up to the ceiling and count the panels.

Then count them backwards, then forward again. Count them as fucking times as you have to. Just count. Think about the rusty train tracks, abandoned long ago, that cut through her backyard and where they might lead.

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Remember when Small told you these things? And do you remember that I told you not to forget them? That was me helping you in the only way I can.

So please, just shut up. Artist unknown. Found in Le Maris, Paris, France, I hear you first thing in the morning as I stumble to the kitchen to make girl coffee. I hear you as I pick through a handful of pills- some blue, some yellow, some white- hoping one of them will muffle your cries even for a little while. Boy hear you every day as I try so hard to be the good boy he tells you to be, the good boy that you want to be, the good boy you need me to be, the good boy that will make him stop.

Waiting for the Hurricane | David Rovics

So then, as the day turns to dusk and regret sets in, I self-medicate to distract myself from you. I do this for me. But the next morning, it starts all over again, and this cycle is making me crazy. You should be running back upstairs to your mother or dad, to your neighbor or teacher or preacher. You should be running, never stopping, pushing on until you find someone- anyone- who will believe you, will hold you and protect you, will defend you and make you feel safe.

So please be quiet, be still and wait for him to small.

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He will eventually- he always does. Remember roxy panther time by the sump pump, when you stared down at your shoes as he pressed himself against you?

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Remember how your mind drifted to the homework waiting for you, the homework he promised to help you with? Remember how you imagined yourself running up the stairs, two steps at a time, speeding out the door straight to your room to watch the robins and blue jays and sparrows through the window?